Vulnerable

adj. to be susceptible. Isn’t that how we are all currently feeling? We are quarantined in our homes vulnerable to these things that are unseen. Susceptible to tiny invisible things. Getting really deep about all of it, haven’t we been hurt by tiny invisible things before, our words, our thoughts, other people’s words? I know it is feels constant. Now they tell us stay home and continue to feel the anxiety and frustration we’ve felt for years.

When this whole thing started, I had to think of all the things I was losing out on. I was losing out on working. I was losing out on community. I was losing out on working out and getting strong. To be honest, I couldn’t help thinking of all the things I did not want to happen.

So over the last two weeks, I have tried to look at the silver linings, but it’s hard. I felt like in order to deal with all of it, I built this enormous wall. This wall that hid that I was angry, sad, frustrated etc. I now had to figure out how to do everything new. By new, I mean a brand new routine. Working two jobs from home while taking care of two young children and somehow manage my own introverted self by myself since I married someone who is considered essential personnel. For the last few years after having kids, I had to re figure out myself and it is almost more frustrating to not feel like it is figured out.

So to get through this, I feel like I must be vulnerable to myself, to the world. I am ready and scared to start school. I am ready and frustrated to see myself change through nutrition and exercise. I am ready to be proud of the person I am becoming. Proud of the mother I am. Proud of the work I put into life. I am ready to support those around me and be apart of something bigger than myself. I am ready to be proud of the past, the present and the highly unpredictable future.